After I discovered my autistic identity I felt like I should feel something remarkable, yet I didn't. I thought I would be excited or cry with tears of joy but I didn't - I was in what I can only describe as limbo.
As the days and weeks passed I started to feel excited at discovering why I am different but very soon realised that very few people would share that excitement with me and instead, either didn't believe me because, in their words, "You don't look autistic" (whatever that means... it's neurological not physiological!) or they held a negative connotation of what it means to be autistic and so never contacted me again.
After this was the anger stage, anger at my lost years and a life I had never lived to its fullest. I felt like I had been imprisoned all my life then released after 40 years and told I was falsely encacerated. After the anger came a deep sense of grief, grieving those lost years and becoming very aware I would not get to do it all again.
Almost 5 years on and I feel like the best version of myself. I no longer feel broken, a burden or like a huge piece of me is missing. I am more confident and emotionally resilient. Things that would have made me crumble like cruel comments no longer tore me down . I might have lost 40 years but I have today and I have my identity, I can't go back in time but I can move forward with what I have and I shall be forever grateful.
