“Living life mostly on the verge of drowning is no way to live”
When H was 4 years old he said: “Mummy, I don’t know how to make friends”. A profound insight from a 4 year old that made me realise, being so ‘able’ looking is not all it’s cracked up to be. This is me now -age 42, a trauma inflicted Autistic adult, faking being able like a pro!
If I try to articulate how I feel there’s always someone who says: “Get some perspective -You’re coping so well”. I feel like shoving said ‘perspective’ down their throat and screaming, “living life mostly on the verge of drowning is not a happy life!”
The gut wrenching loneliness I feel now is all I’ve ever known. I don’t have cancer, I’m not terminally ill but I am a 42 year old traumatised Autistic human who spent 40 of those years lost, no identity and vulnerable to owning incorrect labels in a desperate attempt to fill the void. I feel like I’m made of paper and written on that paper is my life.
I don’t have a small group of friends to go out with- I never have, unless it came as part of a package with a boyfriend.
Daily, I repel Allistic (non-autistic) people because I’m seen to be hard work. They make ill informed judgements about me - I don’t think they realise that I notice or how much it hurts me. Imagine how hard it is to be surrounded by allistics 24/7 and then compare that to tolerating my Autistc ways for, what is - in comparison, a fleeting moment. Who really has the right to complain?
I’m tired of being made to feel like I’m a burden. I’m tired of the rejection triggering energy that I inadvertently absorb from those who have, not so clearly stated, had enough of me. I am just being me and doing my job - being the best mum I can be for my children.
Imagine being told, every time you ask for help, no one can help you because you know more about Autism than any specialist in the county. This should make me feel proud but I feel lonely, terrified and helpless. I feel like I am drowning, shouting for help on a loop - the life boat comes near me but they don’t have the right shape life buoy to ease the strain that comes with treading water for long periods. I am just told, “you don’t need our help because you can tread water so well.”
I think it’s appalling. No wonder the statistics for suicide are as high as they are. (9 times higher than Allistics). (Hervikovski. T, et al, 2016)
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